It's been FOREVER since I last checked in. I even concluded that this blog was just Thing No. 52,568 that I'd gotten excited over and hyped up about, only to completely lose interest in a matter of weeks. If that long.
Well, Chrismess is over, and I'm happy as a bedbug in a youth hostel. I found it to be so incredibly traumatic and unsettling for my ADHD self that I just had to start writing again. Only I'm still too traumatized by the strain, pace, pressure, work and frantic travel of Christmas (not to mention the MESS I/it created all over my entire downstairs) to write in too much detail quite yet. Over the next couple days, I'll go into it more.
Are other ADHD-ers this beat-up and battered by the hippy-happy-cr@ppy holly-jolly holidays as I am? I'm just DEAD. My entire body feels like it was crumpled up, thrown out a car window onto Interstate 94 and repeatedly run over by cattle trucks and Humvees, like a discarded McDonald's cup. Every muscle in my body hurts -- from the stress? lack of sleep? pressure to perform/be happy/make conversation/BE SOMEONE to friends, family, cousins, newcomers to the fam-damily?
DO NOT MISTAKE ME: I don't hate Christmas because of my relatives. They are all perfectly fine people. It's the tension in my head and in every fiber of my body that gets all wound-up about it. The thing is, though, it's not just Christmas; it's any family gathering of any kind. Reunions, birthdays, showers, anniversaries.
The only way I can describe it is that (the feeling I get) seems a lot like my mom's descriptions of her claustrophobia. Only with people. When I'm cooped up around people, I just freak out, panic, can barely eat. I'm like a terrier, panting and panicking during a thunderstorm. So is this agoraphobia? Or just ADHD magnified by all of the different conversations, gestures, facial expressions, emotions, silent cues I feel I must pick up on? I secretly wish someone else with ADHD would stumble upon this blog and talk to me. Am I the only one out here?
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